One of the hardest things I have had to do is admit to myself that I was not ok, after 20 years of “self managing” (or should I say trying to ignore the issue) things hit a screaming halt in 2017, after about 6 months of crippling depression, suicidal thoughts and having a plan in place I finally admitted I needed help, more help than just myself could offer.
You know how I said the hardest thing was to admit to myself… well I was wrong the hardest thing is actually talking about it, telling someone else whats running though your head when its all so negative is some hard shit!
But I did it, I put aside my thoughts on talking to people about my problems and went and spoke to my doctor, actually I think it was more like broke down in tears in my doctors office (I’m sure she was a little bit like WTF?), and so down the mental health care plan path we went. My doctor was great and continues to be, she set things in motion, we tried medications (that was an epic fail for reasons I’m not actually ready to talk about, but lets just say my response to them wasn’t ideal, nor expected). We then set about seeking more specialised help, yep folks she referred me to a psychiatrist, so if it wasn’t bad enough just speaking to my gp, we had to go down the path of a shrink! I’ll be honest at about that point I thought screw this, I’ll be fine, I don’t need this anymore. But alas I sucked it up and was a good girl, went and started my visits with the psychiatrist. That alone was a challenge, I started with a doc that I saw for about 6 months, was medicated, the meds worked to an extent, I believed that baseline was gonna be what it was, I was still depressed, but at least I wasn’t suicidal that I figured was a win. But then she went on leave and didn’t come back to work, so I found another doc, he sucked, honestly I didn’t mesh well with him, and I found him rather insensitive and felt like he didn’t actually care what was going on, thankfully (kinda) he also left the practice without warning and TBH I was like good! But then I had to start again… this time I found a great doc, at the end of our first session she was like – med change, these current meds not only aren’t working effectively they also have crappy side affects. So we changed meds to 1 simple little tablet, that at the moment is working a treat.
I also started seeing a psychologist, she was great, we worked though some good stuff… and then she… can you guess? yeah she left too… at about that stage I was starting to feel a little rejected and like why am I even bothering. Sadly I’m still jilted by the psychologist leaving and haven’t pursued a new one yet, despite both my gp and psychiatrist telling me I need to. So I’m not completely a perfect patient… I will do it, cause even with this brilliant little tablet I’m not cured, and have some anxiety issues to still work through and other stuff, but I just need to rebuild my trust in these people first.
So in short I went from a anti professional help and medication person to someone who depends on these things to get through my every day life. And you know what? Today I wouldn’t have it any other way.