Let’s talk about depression, for as long as I can remember depression has been a part of my life. I’ve got really good at hiding it and pretending, for the longest time I was pretty impressed with myself, however all it takes is one moment for all that hard work of pretending and “ignoring it” for everything to come to a screaming crashing halt! The problem with this is it generally hits hard and isn’t pretty.
I put on a smile, try and tell myself it’s all ok, tell others I’m ok, just tired, but the reality is I’m not, right now I’m not ok. It is a daily battle to get to work, I honestly don’t want to be there, I still go, do what needs to be done, smile, pretend, be all professional and stuff, then come knock off time I get the hell out of there and fight the urge to cry the whole way home, then I get home and sit in the car for what feels like forever trying to build up the courage to go inside and greet my family, whom generally cop the brunt of my highly over anxious day.
My depression comes with over sleeping and excessive fatigue (so technically the “I’m just tired” response is legit!) and lack of motivation, it comes with crankiness towards the family – everything annoys the crap out of me and tears, it comes with medication refusal…. which I know is bad, yet as I look at the box my head says I don’t give a #### and I turn away. When it gets bad enough it comes with self-harm, and when really bad suicidal thoughts. At times I know what triggers it, at times I just wake up and well, feel sad, and generally it just gets worse from there.
Today I am depressed, in fact I have been for a few weeks now, it’s just getting worse, I don’t know what initially triggered it, but I do know what’s prolonged / made it worsen in recent days (that I’m sorry will not be shared). I know that I have probably been off my meds for about a week now and that’s not good news, it’s the first time I have been bad enough to miss so long, usually it’s a day or 2, 3 days and I notice my mood drop off, so a week and it’s probably compounding the issue of my shitty mood. What’s worse is part of my brain knows this is the consequence and what the further consequences are and then we have the depressed side who doesn’t give a crap! (sadly, it’s a strong-willed bastard that side), good news is within 24 hours I’ll be back on my meds – forced /nagged by hubby once he reads this, so that’s good right? The other good news, hubby is home on annual leave, the chances of me self-harming while he’s around are slim (not impossible, but while he’s home, I tend to talk more and don’t bottle feelings compared to when he’s out at work).
Depression sucks the life out of you and leaves you a empty shell, well not empty I guess just full of sadness, self-hate, and all that crap that you really don’t want to deal with. Some days I wish I could go back to the days where I could just hide at home, being a stay at home mum had its perks in those days, I didn’t have to leave the house, I could hide out for days pretending the world didn’t exist. Today I have a job, and a need for income so kinda need to go to that job, which means I have to leave the house, some days its great I get a 8 hour break from my own head and get to worry about others, its actually ideal at times, however it’s not fail proof and things creep through the cracks and well them times I have to keep my shit together till I hit the car and well it’s not a pretty car drive home. Eventually that little box you try and keep crap contained to becomes over filled and explodes, and this is when I hit rock bottom – right now I’m approaching the point, the little box has started overflowing.
So what do I do from here? Honestly some days I feel like my moods will never pick up, that I’ll forever have to put on that pretend smile, then as suddenly as the sadness comes on, I’ll be happy again. But right now, I really do need to start taking my bloody meds!